Parenting adolescents is a huge challenge, but with communication, teenage parenting can be made easier for you and your child. One of the hardest things in parenting adolescents is communicating in the right way, and here are some ways that teenage parenting can be made a little less stressful:
Empathy & Reassurance - a successful path to teenage parenting.
Your teen may have difficulty identifying what she's feeling. You probably know when she's a bit upset, tired or irritated. While feelings are natural, you might have to help your teen articulate them. Asking: "Are you a bit upset?" may help you both to identify the type and the extent of her feelings, and to find appropriate responses.
Reassure your teen your love and support does not depend on exam grades. If your teenagers don't get the grades they expected, help them to keep it in perspective - everyone has some setbacks in life, whether it's failing a driving test or an exam. They can always do resits. Reassure them you're behind them 100 percent, and help them to review all the options.
Communication
Teenage parenting requires effective communication skills. There are things you can do to make communication easier:
• Take your cue from your teenager - there's absolutely no point saying you want to talk, when he's rushing to get ready for a night out.
• Try to spend time alone with your teenager and go out somewhere if there aren't any opportunities at home.
• Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested.
• Use open questions that don't just need a yes or no response. For example, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"
• Don't use a chat as an opportunity to nag or tell off.
• Never put him down for his views or ideas; he needs your approval.
• Treat your teenager with respect, much as you would another adult.
• It's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, so don't say, "I want your room
cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think
you can tidy it up?"
• Use all the opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving somewhere often leads to great conversations.
• Show you're genuinely interested when your teenager tells you things and stop what you're doing to listen.
• Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear.
Teenage parenting is fraught with dealing with difficult issues like, such as bad grades or worries about risky behaviour. It's even more important to find a time when there are no external pressures and you're feeling calm.
Using "I" statements always helps. Say, "I'm worried about the way your school work is slipping," not "You're doing really badly in school." Explain your concerns calmly and listen carefully to his side of the story. It's fine to stress what you believe in and to be clear if there are any aspects of his behaviour you want him to change.
LET THEM GO Policy:
Teenage parenting is is all about you, the parent. Are you ready to let your teen take over this decision that you have been making for him/her? Take some time to think it through. While it won't be all at once, there will be a time when it hits you that you aren't always needed for important decisions, or that you may not agree with the decision your teen made yet the situation worked out fine without you.
This can cause some melancholy feelings - and proud feelings too. Ah, the mix emotions of being a parent! You need to prepare yourself for it. When these thoughts and feelings hit, it is important to remember that you are doing a good job and your teenager is lucky to have you in his/her life.
Verbally spell out the conflict and end with a question: "What do you think you could do?" or "What are your options?" Help your teen list a few that he/she may not think of, but don't do this task for him/her.
Spelling out the pros and cons will help him/her see the big picture of each option, thereby helping him/her choose appropriately. Younger teens often have trouble seeing the big picture, so they may need more help than a 17-year-old. But all teens can use their parents as sounding boards. Be available to listen and help even after your teen has developed good decision-making skills.
Hold your tongue just before you're ready to say, "I think you should..." If your teen is used to you making the decisions and isn't getting around to finalizing his thoughts on the options and choosing one, you may want to ask your teen if he/she is worried about 'being allowed'. Many times at the teen home I would have a teen talk over all of the options and then wait quietly until
I told them what they were allowed to choose. An awkward moment or two would follow and then the teen would realize that I wasn't going to do the choosing and say, "Oh, you want me to choose. I didn't know I was allowed." So, this is simply solved by verbally giving permission.
While you shouldn't act like this is a business meeting, do talk to your teen about what happened, even if the outcome wasn't what was hoped for. Discuss what he/she might do differently the next time and do not be judgmental. Give your teen positive feedback and tell him/her that you are proud that he/she took on this challenging decision. This will help you and your teen work through important decisions in his/her life. This will add to his/her self-confidence and maturity.
It is difficult to remember that our parents had the same problems parenting adolescents as we do today, but they did. If you manage to communicate with your teenager you are doing really well. Try and think about ways you can talk to your teenager - are there activities you can do together?
Think about what you say to them - try and see things through their eyes. Think about how you react - keep calm. Bear these three things in mind and teenage parenting may just get a little less fraught.
The author is a successful marketing executive in a large consumer good company and a mother of two boys. She has had a rough ride in the past two years and has successfully saved her family from the brink of disaster by working on her parenting style. She has recently built a website http://www.newparentingstyle.com, which touches upon some effective parenting tips that have helped her in her success.
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